Survivor: Not just a book, but a journey.

"It's always a pleasure to read your essays" or "you should write something" is something all my English teachers have said to me from the time that I was able to pick up a pencil. But early on, I was more attracted to talking about my ideas than penning it down. So naturally, I started debates at a young age, then public speaking then MUNs. But there was a fundamental difference; success in these fields had limited scope for individual thinking, that winning was based on a pattern. There goes hope for individual expression. I remember one time, when under the stress of emotional turmoil, I decided to turn to a blog. I wrote one poem, a short seven liner about an experience, and it seemed as if that act of writing was drawing all the negative emotions out of me into the small piece of poetry. Even now, when I go back and read these old pieces, the emotions flow through me once again. This experience helped me rediscover its importance three years ago.

2018 was an interesting year. I, personally, was terrified, mainly because of how political opinions were pushing countries to the brink of war.  I was very scared, and I would often spiral into ominous thoughts about what the future held for the world. My obsession with apocalypse movies didn't help, and I would often be worried about a worst that was to come, that others would assure me was too far-fetched to be true (2020 finally proved that I was right all along though). One day, I was talking to someone about all these ideas in my head, from the future of the world, from a world-ending apocalyptic war to the development of science and engineering and the evolution of the human body and how technology will end up impacting that path of evolution. Patiently, they listened as I monologued and replied with just one sentence - "You should write a book." At the time I was uncertain, I had always been scared of writing anything longer than a thousand words. I had little to no experience with long storylines. The task was just daunting, and I doubted fifteen year old me was up to the task. After much thinking, I decided that surety would only come with a leap of faith. So I decided to take a leap of faith. I channelled the volley of emotions I had experienced into the first few lines of the book. I kept typing for half an hour before I snapped back into the real world. Just like the poems, it was an incredibly cathartic experience, like I was talking to someone without being physically with them. I slowly built upon the story, never having to think too far and too hard for an idea. Every emotion that I had felt at different points of my life acted as inspirations for the characters and scenes in the book. Even the characters seemed to have become embodiments of my own emotions, from Marcus's stoic but pessimistic behaviour to Amy's more optimistic, yet, subtly realistic behaviour, these were all behaviours that I exhibited from time to time. The story allowed me to reflect on my own evolution as a person.  Seeing each of the characters and personalities take shape. One by one, it felt like the insecurities I had held inside me for so long were released as I saw the characters overcoming their own struggles. Subconsciously, I chose to imbibe realistic personalities into these obviously fictional characters, personalities with issues, and biases (some more fictional than others). The characters were much more than figments of my imagination; they were fragments of my personality, making the entire book my interpretation of, well, me!

Reading through the story a year later, I notice the change ink my writing even more. I see a clear distinction between the style of writing at the beginning of the story to the middle portions where the storyline was actually taking root to the end of the story. Even the language I ended up using in the edits I made was vastly different from the way that the first draft, which I was at first a little bit concerned about, but I later came to understand the reasons behind it and what this change really indicated. In the time that I had taken to complete the first draft alone, so much had happened: I had completed my 10th grade, I had changed schools and entered an entirely new curriculum, moved to a completely different city and started living on my own. With such a drastic change in my environment came an influence on my ideas and, therefore, my language. I entered the year, and the process a very different person with a different worldview and different interpretations of ideas that I believed in. The whirlwind of changes were concentrated into an extremely small time period, and while they had been learning experiences for me, I did struggle. I think it was the anticipation of this struggle, the fact that I knew that there was a change coming and adding the aspects of change and the struggle to adapt to it made me more prepared for what the changes in my life might be like.

"Survivor" as a whole is the story of my life. Each character, for me signifies a different aspect of my personality while itself leaving scope for development. I am not complete; there will always be more nuances and more aspects to the same characters, which I think are indicative of the dynamism of human nature, particularly mine. It is the story of change and is an embodiment of my journey of catharsis and self-realization. I had things on my mind, ideas that were making me go crazy from the lack of being shared and I feel that through this book, I have the chance to share them with the world.